One Year

“Give yourself permission to grieve”, said the counsellor. This was about 2 years into my husbands terminal diagnosis. Anticipatory grieving, she called it. “Find time to cry”, she said. At the time, my counselling sessions were the only safe place to do this other than the shower, and I often began crying within minutes into […]

The Tables Have Turned

Yesterday, my son’s case manager from Developmental Services Ontario called. I have been going through the process of setting up my son (who is autistic) with adult services this past month seeing as he is turning 18. She called with a few extra questions that I found considerably difficult in regards to my situation as […]

The Lake is Broken

When I was young, my family would go camping on Lake Huron. I am the youngest of four children and have siblings that are 5, 7, and 10 years older than I. By the time I was 5, my oldest sister was 15, my brother 12, and middle sister was 10. I always felt that […]

Goals and Surprises

Seventeen years ago I went for a postpartum check up after having my son. The nurse handed me a questionnaire to complete before going in to see the doctor. A question on the page jumped out at me. “What are you looking forward to?” Good question, I thought! I was left kind of sitting there […]

Birthday

Yesterday, it was my birthday. My first birthday with out him. Not shockingly I suppose, it was hard. Other than his birthday a few months ago, it was the hardest “first”. He always made such a big deal about my birthday. He always made sure there were at least flowers, a gift and a nice […]

New House Guilt.

Well here I am! New house. I thought it would be more difficult. Maybe I wanted it to be more difficult. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty if I appreciated this place less. I dreaded the thought of leaving the only house that I had lived in with my husband, but it turns out, he […]

How’s the Packing Going?

If I had a dollar for every time some one asked me this over the last few months, it would probably pay for my movers! And the real answer, (as opposed to my routine “oh, good”) is, “IT SUCKS”. I am too overwhelmed. Too anxious. Too conflicted about leaving. I have too much emotion about […]

The Schnauz

My Dad had been suggesting for some time that a dog might be a good idea for my solitary son. “Help him get out of the house more” he would say. A companion that wouldn’t ever make him feel uncomfortable in the way that humans often do. I had already seen how wonderful and loving […]

Covidow

Covid is here. Like, really here. I live in Ontario, Canada and our case numbers are more than doubling by the day. Right now, there are just under 500 positive test results in Ontario, and 6 deaths. The numbers for today don’t get updated for another hour so I am quite sure it has surpassed […]

Distractions and Bereavement Group

Distraction Life turned upside down when my husband died 3 months and 5 days ago. I worried that I would be far less functional than I have been. It turns out that I am pretty good at still getting certain things done, even though I feel flattened, torn into pieces and crumpled. I think to […]

Autopilot. Stuck there, still here.

I left my job May 29th 2016 and became a full time care giver when my husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer. He got into a car accident hours after we had become engaged, and hours before they discovered the brain tumour and cancer in his lungs. Less than a week later, he had […]

Dry Days

It’s been 10 weeks and 3 days since he died. Two months plus one week. 72 days. I watch a lot of TV in the evening. First I read news, or write emails, or call someone. Then other than little visits with my scarce 17 year old son here and there, and doing dinner, I […]

Silos

“Do you see it? Over here, on my side.” I would look at V’s face to see where his eyes were directed and then try to help him find it with a slight nudge to his chin in the right direction. He would then become stressed that I wasn’t looking where I was driving, “look […]

I’m sorry

You would think, three and a half years would be enough time to get things figured out. Say what you need to say, do what you need to do. I have learned, that no matter how much time you have to say good bye to your loved one, it’s not enough. Knowing your loved one […]

It Occurred To Me

My brain is flickering, there is static and mixed frequencies, and the signal is weak. 35 days in. My thoughts and attempts at stories are fragmented. I am very sure these posts are terrible to read and not just because they are depressing. I am sure my husband would praise my effort, but he would […]

There goes Christmas.

There goes Christmas. I couldn’t care less. It was a blur. Everything is a blur. I have been checking in with my son and other than him getting his gifts, he hasn’t wanted a Christmas tree or more lights up either. I am kind of surprised at the notion I have received, that I should […]

Everywhere and Nowhere

That’s where he is. What a hell this is. To be ripped from the heaven of being with your beloved, so early. I accept now that it was his time. An hour glass had been set, and there was no flipping back it over. He had begun to truly suffer, and it is good that […]

Being Grateful, Being Angry

I have written about my anger. In fact, it was my anger that inspired me to write this blog in the first place. I have a lot of anger about how my life has gone. I say that because I am honest. I don’t walk around angry and bitter. I am not a negative person. […]

What The Heck Just Happened

It’s been 19 days since my husband passed away. Other than crying my eyes out, walking the dog, watching TV and paperwork, I have been reliving his last days, our last days. The what if’s. Oh they are endless. “How the heck did this happen and I didn’t see it coming”, keeps running through my […]

Last Breath

Tuesday, November 26th. I woke up a few minutes before the alarm went off at six like I usually did. It was dark but time to get my son up for the school bus. The day before had been exceptionally overwhelming and I was looking forward to a day with a bit less stress and […]

One Day at a Time

“One day at a time”. That is my answer mostly to people when they ask how I am doing. Honestly, what else am I supposed to say. I could let myself go and wail about how shitty things are, followed by the “at leasts” so that I don’t sound too negative or let myself go […]

The Transition – A journal entry.

Part 1 My husband has been considered palliative for almost 3 1/2 years now. He is now permanently living on the main floor of the house complete with my bathing him in our dining room, turned bedroom. The cancer has now spread to his spine and the one adrenal gland that he has left. That […]

Seniors, And The Little Things.

There is a small mall a few city blocks away from where we live. It’s nestled within a smaller neighbourhood of senior living apartments, and across from a large assisted living home. It is filled with people that are in the same life stage as my husband and I. The stage of looking mortality in […]

Where does the anger go

“Frustration and anger need to be let out, through positive, and active action”, my counsellor said. Writing would and does help me, but something more physical would be best. I sought out some counselling last summer when I noticed that I was starting to feel, what I considered to be, an unhealthy level of irritability. […]

Out there on the lake.

Sometimes, you’re swimming in the lake and your very close to where you can’t touch the bottom. (I never learned to swim other than a self taught doggie paddle so this scenario induces some level of a bad dream like fear for me if the right current shows up). It’s very quiet there and any […]

There’s a form for that.

Some things have changed around the house. My husbands muscle strength has been on the decline these days. For him, moving to get to things, has become painfully problematic. So, we adjusted some things and moved them to him! The stairs have become too much for him to do safely through out the day. The […]

To Treat, Or Not To Treat

To chose treatment or no treatment, the reoccurring theme in a cancer patients life i suppose. We are past the old days where the only option was a nasty chemo concoction that nearly killed you, along with the cancer, causing violent illness the entire time. Now, those are the back up drugs. There are better […]

The Being of Care Giving

It has been nearly 3 years since my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized terminal cancer, when they gave him 6-18 months to live. I often read about people diagnosed with terminal cancer who work, continue their lives with pretty normal levels of functioning and even run marathons for many years! My husband had […]

The Cancer Clinic

There are four different clinics, a pharmacy, blood lab and a chemo lab within the cancer clinic we go to. At peak time there are at least 100-150 people sitting and waiting to either receive treatment, or to see one of the dozen or so oncologists that are holding a clinic there that day. It […]

Fuck Cancer. Messages and Subtext

“Fuck Cancer” read the sticker on the car in front of us at the stop light. My husband hates those. At stage four, he says “cancer fucks you, you don’t fuck cancer”. The slogan seems to sum it up nicely for me, at least in a wishful thinking kind of way. I imagine myself screaming […]

Love and Tumours

My husband and I had one of those quick and intense dating periods. The kind that makes you feel really stupid about wasting so much time in other relationships. I was convinced that I was finished with men before I met him. I moved in with my first partner at 16, a nice guy, like […]